Why seeking control is disconnecting us from our inner knowing as leaders?

Recently I was speaking with a client about the importance of creating inner resources. She is a brilliant woman - ambitious and hard-working. However, when her life isn’t filled with the busyness of being at work, meeting with friends or doing something she sees as ‘productive’, she’s confronted by the chaos of her inner life. 

Even her attempts at rest and meditation have become an exercise in productivity. 

She’s not alone in this. 

Many high-achieving women and leaders have built supportive communities, are committed to exercise routines, eat well, and have great personal branding images. From the outside, they look like they have it all together. 

But their ability to cope with life ebbs and flows of life just isn’t there. 

It seems that controlling every aspect of their hour, day, week and year gives them a perceived idea that they have some kind of control when in truth they have no control.

I was exactly the same way and I know I still have the tendency to control as uncertainty makes us control and it is also the way we have been conditioned to live. 

COVID showed us that..that we have such little control as to what life and work throws at us. 

Why is this important as a female leader?

We live in a complex corporate & business world. If our only line of defense to thrive in this world is by controlling everything about our life, then the solutions that we find will be coming from a fear-operated vision.

And the fear-operated vision leads to survival mechanisms being kicked in. 

This leads to our vision getting narrow and we operate from the sympathetic part of our nervous system. Therefore any solution from this mode will be based on getting rid of the fear - wanting to grasp and get by - rather than really creating joy and nourishment in life. The leadership from this place is only focused on striving / goal-oriented vs growth / change / expansion of the organization & its people. 

It also leads to unhealthy relationships at work & in personal life, manipulation at every angle, fragile health as the overwhelm keeps piling. So basically hamster-wheel and there is no space to enter. 

The issue is that we are not even aware that fear is driving us unconsciously for everything we do.

The fear of losing our perfect image..

The fear of others seeing how sacred we truly are..

The fear of our male colleagues having a better advantage due to the glass ceiling..

The fear of feeling those uncomfortable feelings underneath the emotion “Fear”..

Barbara Fredrickson (1998) who is a leading researcher in positive emotions shares that  when we feel fear, our vision narrows and we can’t see clearly, our natural thing is to run, attack or deflect. This is a very evolutionary response unless we learn to be aware of our fear responses in all areas of our lives. 

It's not about being positive and doing affirmations or pushing through fear. That never works in the long run as the body wisdom is different from the mind. 

I have seen when clients build inner resources through whole-self leadership work that allows their body to develop the ability to be comfortable with the unpleasant sensations that arise in anger, fear, and sadness; the primal response for these emotions to either run, attack, or deflect changes. These emotions then start to guide our impulses & decisions with their wisdom. 

When we are always busy, we don’t get to feel, see, process the things in the subconscious that are driving our life and our decisions.

We are no longer conscious. We might think we are living a conscious life but in truth we are being driven by the unfelt and unmetabolized material in the body. 

This means all our current decisions and actions are not actually serving our health & well-being, success in our careers or relationships in the long run. 

WHAT Changes for women once you have the inner resources?

The benefits of doing inner work are visible when you’re still and silent. How do you fare when you have to pause? Are you restless and looking for the next thing, or can you truly relax into those quiet moments?

Many busy leaders complain they have no time for themselves, yet as soon as they have a spare hour they plug their ears into the latest podcast - flooding their full mind with more information. 

The external world is progressing rapidly, yet our relationship to our inner world has not enjoyed the same progress. 

While there is progress in our access to information about psychology, spiritually and living well, at an individual level we’re not transforming. 

Now is the time we need to make a choice to evolve consciously. 

Doing this inner work makes you a more grounded and rounded human. Someone who can build real and meaningful relationships and connections, which is ever more important in our world of social media, digital business and AI.

Inner work means resolving patterns, unhealthy behaviours and emotional wounds. Connecting to the richness of our inner worlds, rather than being led by compulsive, instant gratification behaviours. 

Tapping into your inner resources means you’re able to truly listen to what your body, emotions and nervous system are telling you. It means you can thrive in work and life, and handle the ebbs and flows of life. 

For women in leadership, it means they can lead without burning out, and be true to what makes them unique as a leader. 

It’s a gift to yourself. 

Will you unwrap it, and uncover your true inner wisdom? 

If you’d like to find out more, I’d love to hear from you.