How internal boundaries lead to external boundaries.

There’s been a lot of talk in recent years about the importance of boundaries in looking after our wellbeing and mental health. 

For a long time, I was focused only on my external boundaries, which meant I created walls rather than true connection. I was guarded, and not willing to be open and messy. It also meant I wasn’t satisfied in many areas of my life, including in my health and relationships. 

I knew boundaries were important, so I wondered what I was doing wrong. 

At the time, I didn’t know the difference between internal and external boundaries, and why we can’t have one without the other. 

Understanding inner boundaries.

The more I’ve learned and stepped into my work and understanding, the more I’ve realised the importance of inner boundaries in allowing for freedom. It might sound counterintuitive, but inner boundaries mean I can be more free within myself and within my relationships. 

Inner boundaries help us understand when to work and when to rest. They help us to step away from places that are no longer serving us. They show us when we should express ourselves openly, when we should lean into our creativity and when to listen to our inner wisdom, especially in times of chaos or crisis.

More than mindset.

Many people talk about the importance of mindset, but it’s not just mindset we need to explore. There is often a lot more happening on a deeper level, and our inner boundaries help us understand this. 

Sometimes it’s a lack of awareness.

Sometimes it’s trauma patterns. 

Sometimes it’s a habit.

Sometimes it's an inability to handle emotions or beliefs in connection to boundaries.

Many times it's a combination of all of the above, or even something else completely. 

When you use an embodied leadership approach which allows you to step into your whole-self leadership - you start to understand which of the above is the one that makes it hard to do the things you truly want and need.

Personally, I’ve had to set many internal boundaries. 

For example, an inner boundary that has impacted many areas of my life is around an emotion - anger. Anger was not an easy emotion for me as I had learnt either to suppress, repress or project it, which meant in most of my relationships - either I would show up as people pleaser or as a person who could be too direct. 

Learning to create boundaries around my anger to neither suppress it or express it unless I have processed it - means I have had to first learn to feel my feelings, and then to communicate in a way so I share my needs but I also hear what others need. 

This means I feel safe within myself to communicate and take responsibility for what I truly want, whether it is with a mentor, a colleague, a client, friends, partner, possible collaborator, etc.

This has allowed me to have good external boundaries as to what I allow and what I walk away from. This has shown me that people want to support me in my life leading to richer friendships, intimate relationships and work relationships. 

Where internal meets external.

Our internal boundaries should be based on our own needs, values and identity, rather than being dictated to us by those around us. 

They help us take responsibility for our decisions and our behaviour, and for us to understand our inner world more clearly. 

When we have strong internal boundaries, then we can set healthier external boundaries with the people around us, and feel confident that our boundaries are serving us. 

When this is done, the boundaries become a point of connection, rather than an impenetrable wall. 

What are your inner boundaries?

So, how can you start to understand your own inner boundaries?

Think about what’s important to you. Are you serving these priorities or are you being distracted by what other people want and expect of you? Sometimes learning to say no to ourselves is just as important as learning to say no to others. 

Approach the idea of internal boundaries with self-compassion. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes. We’re all only human. 

With strong inner boundaries, you’ll be able to hold external boundaries in a kind and respectful way, enriching your relationships and helping you lead and live in a way that is right for you. 

Are you ready to learn the art of working on your inner boundaries with compassion so you can stop harassing yourself or blaming others when you are unable to do what you want?

I would love to hear your thoughts.